To The Doctor's Future Companions
by dustycaramac
Summary: Really pointless, lighthearted comedy fic about Rose Tyler's writing of a diary to the Doctor's, uh, future companions. New rules will be added... every so often. There are a fair few more. Enjoy it in all its pointlessness, I did.
1. Prologue: The Decision

**Prologue: The Decision**

Rose leaves the control room of the TARDIS after being told by the Doctor that she's not allowed to do yet _another_ thing on board. It's driving her insane, honestly. The Doctor hasn't made it very clear what the boundaries are, and she's just so intent on pushing the nonexistent ones that it would have been better if he had. At least then she would know for definite when to stop.

She heads to the library, an idea forming in her head. She knows that he's had companions before- oh yes, that had been hammered _right_ home- but now she's wondering whether or not they had the same problems as she has. Can't hurt to check.

She starts pulling out books at random. It doesn't matter, because the Doctor doesn't really tidy up in the library. For all he says he can't stand people leaving books lying around, he does just that an awful lot himself.

_The History Of Raxicoricofallipatorius, by E. Blight._

Rose blinks. Maybe not. And chucks the book over her shoulder.

_Hexakosioihexekontahexephobi a: An Irrational Fear?_

She doesn't even bother to check who the book is by before throwing it down to her feet.

Twenty minutes later and Rose is no closer to finding what she's looking for. Defeated, she sits at one of the tables in the library, pushing several books off it and resting her elbows nonchalantly on the surface.

Then, she spots it.

A pad of lined paper, in front of her, just waiting to be opened and written in.

Rose pulls it towards her and snatches a pen off the floor, chewing it thoughtfully with no regard for where it's been before this.

After a moment, she titles the first page:

_To The Doctor's Next Companions, Love Rose Tyler_

And she begins to write.


	2. Rule 1

**Rule #1: Don't steal the Doctor's sonic screwdriver and hide it 'just for jokes'.**

"Rose!" The Doctor pulls open the door to Rose's room and glares down his nose at her.

"Yes, Doctor?" Rose asks, putting the book she is reading aside and looking back at him innocently.

"You haven't seen my sonic screwdriver, have you?" he demands, getting straight to the point.

"No," Rose responds, her expression wide-eyed. "Why, have you lost it?"

"Yes!" the Doctor replies, almost pulling his hair out in frustration. "I need it, really badly. If I don't have it then the TARDIS will explode in exactly five minutes and twenty-two seconds!"

"Oh." Rose blinks, and picks her book back up. "That's a shame."

The Doctor storms from the room, and she can hear his footsteps quickening as he runs around frantically trying to find the lost item. As he wanders, she hears him groan, "Five minutes and thirteen seconds!" Snickering slightly, Rose slips her hand behind her pillow and pulls the sonic screwdriver out from behind her, looking at it with amusement.

"We'll leave it another five minutes ten seconds, shall we?" she asks it, giving it a little stroke.

She swears the item squeaks its approval.


	3. Rule 2

**Rule #2: Don't invite the foreign exchange student at your school to travel with you on the TARDIS, especially if he/she does not know the meaning of the word 'run'.**

"Hello, Doctor!" Rose says brightly as she enters the TARDIS after a short leave of absence. The Doctor can barely respond before she continues, "This is Danielle. I asked her to come with us for a while, thought it'd be a laugh."

The Doctor looks over her shoulder at the black-haired girl called Danielle. "Hello, Danielle!" he says with a grin. "I'm the Doctor."

Danielle giggles. The Doctor blinks. "Um, so, Rose, why did you choose her?"

Rose draws in a breath, allowing Danielle to walk past her into the room, before shutting the door behind them both. "Well, she's meant to be shadowing me, you see. She's a foreign exchange student."

The Doctor's eyes very nearly pop out of his head. "A foreign exchange student?" he squeaks. "From where?"

"France. She doesn't speak any English."

"Rose…" the Doctor says warningly.

"It's fine, Doctor. I'll look after her."

x

The Doctor and Danielle are in a situation. Well, more than a situation, really, they're in a very bad situation. They're being advanced upon by large green globules which make a noise that sounds very much like 'gloop' when they slide along the floor. Said globules are intent on killing the two of them.

The Doctor turns and grasps Danielle by the shoulders. "Danielle, where did Rose go?"

Danielle blinks.

"Danielle, Danielle… please try to understand!" The Doctor's voice was agitated and, most of all, desperate. "Where. Did. Rose. Go?"

"But Mr Doctor, I do not understand," Danielle says simply, a big smile on her face, proud that she's learnt a phrase in English.

"Oh, never mind. RUN!" The Doctor grabs her hand and attempts to run, but is jerked backwards because Danielle is not moving. "Oh, for Rassilon's sake… run! Vamoose! Get ye gone! Hurry up!" He yelps as one of the green globules tries to reach for him. He skips out of the way just in time. "Uh… allons-y!"

With a firm nod, Danielle begins to run, dragging the Doctor along behind her.

So much for 'I'll look after her', the Doctor thinks. He's going to kill Rose if they ever get out of this alive.


	4. Rule 3

**Rule #3: Don't encourage new companions to talk about how the TARDIS is dimensionally transcendental by saying, "So what do you think of the inside compared to the outside? Huh? Huh?" and nudging them painfully in the ribs.**

Natasha steps inside the TARDIS, her eyes bright and inquisitive as she takes everything in. From the skinny tall man who can talk pretty much constantly to the pretty blonde girl who seems to know him quite well, to this beautiful ship… well, she can't really contain her excitement and lets out a short squeal of approval.

"Wow, it's beautiful!" she breathes, and the Doctor puffs his chest out.

"Isn't she?" he agrees.

Rose skips over to Natasha, doing a little dance around her. "What else is she?" she presses.

Natasha looks at her blankly, then back around the ship. "Um…"

"Look at the outside, then the inside. Go on. Go on!" Rose pushes Natasha out of the door, and Natasha does as the girl says before re-entering the TARDIS.

"I don't see-" she begins, but Rose pushes Natasha out again, leading her around the small box before allowing the girl to come back inside.

"Oh my God!" Natasha gasps, her hands flying to her mouth. _"It's bigger on the inside!"_

Rose grins cheekily at the Doctor, who pulls her aside a mere two minutes later to hiss with exasperation, "How many times are you going to do that until you don't find it funny anymore?"


	5. Rule 4

**Rule #4: You know the irresistible urge to run your fingers through the Doctor's big, fluffy hair when he's fixing the TARDIS? Resist it.**

Rose skips to the control room, her hair down and wet having just had a bath. She's warm, content and most of all- is that the Doctor's hair sticking out from the grating? She thinks so.

She drops to her knees and crawls towards him, trying hard not to giggle and give the game away. She knows how hilarious his reaction is, because he never changes it, and as far as she can see, he never will.

When she's positioned herself right behind him, she reaches out and ruffles his hair, cooing like a mother would to her child, or a child would to their pet.

He leaps up and Rose releases him as he bangs his head on the bottom of the console of the TARDIS. Hard. She giggles and sits cross-legged as he turns to glare, rubbing his head.

"Rose, what have I told you about doing that?" he bellows, although the undertone of his voice clearly speaks of amusement. She makes her eyes very wide, and all his anger is swept away in an instant as he flattens his hair and, grumbling, goes back to work.


	6. Rule 5

**Rule #5: Don't take the Doctor's coat and glasses, put them on and pretend to be him whilst standing in front of a mirror.**

"I believe in her!" she shouts, twirling and running her hand through her hair. "Bananas are a good source of potassium, did you know that, Rose? Ooh, what's this. Let me just get out my super nerd glasses and I'll see…"

Rose reaches into the pocket of the coat, pulling out the black-rimmed glasses and putting them on deftly. She turns again, and as she does so the coat swirls around her. It's already too big for her, so she almost trips, but manages, somehow, to keep her balance.

"Rose."

Rose jumps as she hears her name and faces the door, her eyes falling on a very weary looking Doctor, staring at her as if she's gone completely barmy. And maybe she has, but that's what he gets if he leaves his coat and glasses lying around. What would he do without his glasses anyway? If he lost them he wouldn't be able to find them because he can't see without them. He'd probably step on them, or something.

"Oh, hello, Doctor!" She grins. "What do you think?" She gives him another experimental twirl. "I'm taking it out for a spin."

"I think I'd like my coat back, please," he replies.

"Aww, but Doctor-" Suddenly something moves in one of the pockets, cutting her short. "Um, Doctor?"

"Oh, hey!" he says amiably as a small, ferret faced rodent sticks its head out from the left pocket and blinks blearily. "I wondered where that had got to…"

Rose screeches and is gone from the room in a second, the coat falling gracefully to the floor and the glasses coming down on top of it. Laughing, the Doctor retrieves both items.


	7. Rule 6

**Rule #6: Don't sprinkle aspirin into the Doctor's evening meal. Even if it is just to 'give it a bit of flavour'.**

"Rose!" the Doctor gags, clutching at his throat. "What did you put in my salad?"

"Well, Doctor, you know you've had that cold-"

"I haven't had a cold!" he bursts out, clearly in pain. "It's not a cold. We Time Lords have a superior immune system to you humans, and-"

"Trust you to spit out long sentences rambling about nothing whilst having an allergic reaction," Rose sighs, as the Doctor collapses onto the floor. "I only put a bit of aspirin on it. To make you feel better."

"Rose, Time Lords are allergic to aspirin. It can kill us!" he gasps out of semi blue lips.

"Oh. Oops. Shall I call the doctor? Haha. Get that? The doctor."


	8. Rule 7

**Rule #7: Throwing pears at the Doctor is not amusing.**

"Rose!" the Doctor yells, ducking as another pear comes whistling towards him. It, like many others, splatters on the wall behind him and dribbles down the wallpaper. _Note to self: paint this wall._

"Yes, Doctor?" Rose asks, reaching for another pear and cutting it in half with a knife.

"Seriously, Rose. I don't like pears. Just because I told you that, it doesn't mean 'oh, Rose, please throw pears at me in the time we have between adventures! It would make my day!'."

"Doesn't it?" Rose says, wide-eyed as she reaches behind her, preparing to throw another one.

"No, it doesn't!" the Doctor squeaks, diving under the table just before the sound of the Wet Thud, which means that she's thrown another half and there's even more mess to clean up.

He crawls across the floor under the table towards her after the second half of the first half hits the wall, tackling her legs just as she's about to reach for the knife and another pear. She squeals and falls to the floor, on top of him, pinning him down.

"Rose! No more pear throwing!" he insists urgently.

Giggling, she slips her fingers between the buttonholes on his shirt and tickles his stomach. He wriggles, flushing red. "Oh, Doctor," she whispers, leaning forward. He's a little confused, but can tell that she's about to kiss him, so parts his lips slightly in an instinctive reaction.

She takes the opportunity to shove a pear into his mouth and then leaps up and runs away. Her laugh echoes throughout the corridors of the TARDIS, and he can tell that the ship is laughing at him, too.

He's too surprised to remove the pear from his mouth.


	9. Rule 8

**Rule #8: Neither is scaring him on Halloween by dressing up as a Dalek.**

As the Doctor rounds a corner in the endlessly winding TARDIS corridors, he suddenly comes upon a very familiar, very terrifying shape.

His first thought is of how on earth one of them survived Rose's Bad-Wolfy powers, and his next thought is to protect himself as best he can. He pulls his sonic screwdriver on the thing.

An oddly female, oddly not-Dalek voice comes from the giant pepper pot- although credit to the voice, it was trying.

"It is the Doctor- exterminate!"

The Doctor raises an eyebrow, stowing his screwdriver back inside his jacket pocket. "Rose, this is starting to wear thin."

The Dalek's head comes off and falls to the floor as Rose's own head emerges, pouting. "But Doctor, it's Halloween."

He wishes he could raise his eyebrow even higher. It stays resolutely where it is, but he goes on anyway. "We live in a time machine. There's no Christmas, no birthdays, and no Halloween."

"Oh, I know," Rose says absentmindedly, "but I thought I'd make it Halloween. I must say, Doctor, that's a terrifying costume."

Looking down at his brown pinstriped suit and Converse, the Doctor can't help but feel a little offended. He's about to speak when Rose continues, "And that mask is absolutely horrific."

He pouts. He really, really pouts. And Rose screams.

"Argh! Get it away from me!"

She then dives into the body of the Dalek, scrunching herself up as small as possible whilst giggling away to herself, listening to the sound of the Doctor's retreating footsteps and his voice saying something distinctly like, "Don't know why I put up with that girl."

Unable to resist, she shouts after him, "Because you love me!"

There's a sound like a body thumping into a wall, followed by a string of curse words.


	10. Rule 9

**Rule #9: Telling the Doctor that a calculator can do maths sums quicker than he can is just asking for trouble.**

"Come on, test me. Give me some numbers. I can do multiplication like _that_." He snaps his fingers to emphasise. "Addition? Easy. Dividing numbers that don't divide to produce integers? Easy. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Come on."

"Let me just enter the numbers into the calculator, Doctor," Rose sighs.

"What, giving it a head start because you think it won't win without one? Fine by me. Let's call it a handicap, shall we? Like in golf. Yeah, a handicap. Make it a really big one, Rose, it's going to need it."

Rose almost tears her hair out in frustration. "No, it's because a calculator doesn't think, it just does. I'll press the equals button as soon as I've given you the numbers and we'll see who can work it out quicker, okay? It's fair that way."

The Doctor nods, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Rose had offered him a seat, but he'd refused it, saying he gets so excited by maths that he finds it hard to stay still. She'd found it very hard not to yell the word 'geek' at him over and over again. She's still finding it hard to resist that particular urge.

"Okay," Rose begins, and the Doctor goes rigid. "Six hundred thousand, two hundred and fifty-six divided by seven hundred and thirteen."

She hits the enter button just as the Doctor yells, very loudly, "Eight hundred and forty one point eight seven three seven seven-"

"Sorry, Doctor," she interrupts, waving the calculator in his face, "Mr Calculator was quicker. And he didn't batter my ear drums as much."

"What?" the Doctor says, panic-stricken, as he grabs the calculator from her and looks at the answer. "I so got that before this thing! What are you-"

"Yeah, but it took time to yell it out, didn't it? The calculator just told me with its handy display. You don't have a handy display, do you? Just a large gob." She can't help smirking.

The smirk's not on her face two days later, however, when the TARDIS has created a smashed calculator room specifically so that the Doctor can put the ones he's thrown against the wall in frustration inside it.

And it only gets worse when Staples gives them a twenty percent discount on all new purchases because their visits are so frequent.


	11. Rule 10

**Rule #10: Asking the Doctor to take your physics exam for you is considered cheating.**

"Please?"

"No."

"But… please?"

"Rose, for the final time- no!"

"But I really, _really _want to go back and do an A Level in it."

"So do an A Level in it, then!" the Doctor huffs.

"But I'm not very good at it!"

"So don't do an A Level in it, then!"

"But I _want_ to."

The Doctor looks down his nose at her, over the book he's reading. "I think it might be a bit obvious if I walk into the exam room instead of you and write 'Rose Tyler' on the top of the paper, don't you?"

Rose thinks for a moment.

"Um, no?"


	12. Rule 11

**Rule #11: So is forcing him to do your homework.**

"Please?"

"No."

"But… please?"

"Didn't we go through this a relative two days ago with the whole physics exam thing?"

Rose thinks for a moment.

"Yes." The Doctor bites into his toast, looking at the piece of paper that Rose has shoved in front of him. "It's from an online course. It won't take you too long-"

"Why don't you do it?" he interrupts, not without a sigh.

"Because I don't understand it," she whines.

"Well, I can't do it for you!" He sets the toast down, licking his fingers, and almost jumps out of his skin as Rose sits in his lap and throws her arms round him.

_"Please?"_

"Will you let me eat my toast afterwards?" he enquires dryly, seeing as he's blocked from doing so in this position.

"If you're a very good boy." She winks. "And I mean a very,_ very_ good boy."

He sighs and rolls his eyes, leaning forward and tipping Rose with him in order to see the paper more clearly. "Oh, all right then." He grimaces. "What's it on?"


	13. Rule 12

**Rule #12: Despite the Doctor's obsession with the fruit, a banana is ****_not_**** an ideal Christmas present.**

"So what is it?" the Doctor asks, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "What is it, what is it, what is it, what is-"

"Doctor!" Rose laughs. "You'll find out!"

He's taken her to a planet far, far into the future. It's Christmas day and she's leading him by the hand to the tree that's in their villa that she insisted they stayed in. The TARDIS is parked out the back and she couldn't be happier.

She settles him on the sofa before reaching for a distinctly shaped present, which she hands to him. He holds it up and inspects it.

"Rose…"

"Open it! Go on!" Sighing, he rips the paper apart to reveal a very yellow, quite mangled banana. "Aren't you happy?" Rose asks, her face falling when he doesn't even twitch.

"Rose, I'm not going to lie to you. I like bananas- I really do- but…" He trails off, realising how rude his next words are going to sound. He shakes his head, and forces a smile. "It's lovely."

"You don't like it, do you?"

"No, I do. I love it."

She sits next to him and rests her chin in one hand, staring at the banana. "I'll have it," she says, and reaches forward, trying to take it from him.

"No, no," the Doctor responds, pulling his hand away, "I like it." He's almost protective over the sorry looking fruit now. What is this girl doing to him?

"No, I can tell that you don't like it. Come on, I'll have it. I'll get you something else." She reaches for it again but he leaps up, cradling the banana against his chest. "Doctor." She stands, launching herself forward, but he runs around her and pelts from the room, her following.

"Mine!" she hears him yell over his shoulder, and with a spirited leap, she lands on him and brings him crashing to the floor. He rolls over and she snatches the banana, sitting on his chest, holding it just out of his reach. "Roseeee," he moans pathetically. "I really like the banana!"

"What'll you do to get it back?" she asks mischievously, her tongue poking out from between her teeth.

"It's a _Christmas present_, Rose," the Doctor stresses. "I'm not meant to do anything to get it-"

"How about a kiss?"

He stumbles, a little wrong footed. "A kiss?" he repeats.

"Yes. It's when you get your mouth and you-"

"I know what a kiss is!" he interrupts her, complete with an angry glare that she knows he doesn't quite mean. "It's just… that's very… domestic, isn't it?"

She pouts. "I never thought this body had a serious problem with domestic."

"It does." She waves the banana tantalisingly in his face. His eyes follow it before he shakes his head quickly from side to side to stop himself. Then he follows it again, this time with his head. "All right!" he says finally, conceding defeat. "A kiss. _On the cheek._"

"Done!" Rose says happily, and turns her cheek to face him. Awkwardly (it's quite difficult, what with her sitting on him), he leans forwards and plants a kiss on her skin. He closes his eyes and lets his mouth rest there for a moment, before pulling away.

Rose turns back to face him and stands. He sits up straight and Rose throws him the banana, which he catches. "Good dog." She gives him an absentminded pat on the head as she walks off, back in the direction of the tree.


	14. Rule 13

**Rule #13: Don't ask the Doctor if he keeps his bottle of hair gel on a shelf above his bed and kisses it before he goes to sleep.**

"You do, don't you." It's more a statement than a question. A definitive statement that makes the Doctor think that maybe whatever he says to deny it won't make a difference in the grand scheme of things anyway.

"No!" the Doctor squeaks. "It's completely and utterly _natural_, and I resent the implication of it being anything other than-"

Rose pokes it. "Okay," she says, "it's quite fluffy, it's not glued together or anything. 'Cause you know when people put excessive amounts of gel on, it goes all waxy and horrible. But _maybe_-" she stresses the last word "-you're a penny pincher and just don't like to use too much, because then it'll be all used up and we'll have to make a stop and that'll reveal your secret-"

"Rose, it's natural."

"Yeah, so you've said, but _I_ think-" She stops abruptly, a look of horror on her face. "Oh my God. You kiss the bottle more than me, don't you?"

"There's no bottle!" he says, loudly.

"Yes there is. And you kiss it every night."

"Oh Rassilon help me."

She crosses her legs, intrigued. "Who's Rassilon?"

"He's basically considered to be the first Time Lord-" Before he can launch fully into an explanation, Rose interrupts.

"I bet he uses hair gel too, doesn't he? And you're jealous 'cause his is better than yours."


	15. Rule 14

**Rule #14: Challenge the Doctor to a staring contest only if you want your eyes to ache for hours afterwards.**

His eyes don't even twitch as he stares at you, Rose has noticed. He leans his arms on the table, casually looking you in the eye whilst sporting a smug smile which definitely, _definitely_ reaches those eyes of his. He knows he's going to win even before you inevitably lose.

It's been two days since their first (and hopefully last) staring contest, and he still hasn't let it go.

"I'd be so good against the weeping angels!" he chants when Rose turns a corner to face him. "So, so, _so_ good."

She knows that if she asks who the weeping angels are, he'll take her to some dreary place where said angels reside and they'll only get into trouble. She lives for trouble, but not when her eyes will hardly stay open anymore.

And not when the Doctor's still laughing, even after a week.


	16. Rule 15

**Rule #15: Tying a bandanna around the Doctor's head and begging him to say "Arr!" is not one of the most productive things you could be doing.**

"Go on, say it."

"Rose…"

"Go on. Just one word. Say it. Come on. Say it. 'Arr!' That's all. Just one word. Do it for me. Please?"

The Doctor sighs. "Don't you have a bedroom to be tidying, or a mother to be phoning, or coordinates to be guessing at? Don't you have _anything_ else to do?" he whines.

"No. No I don't. Besides, you look so absolutely beautifully wonderfully _adorable_ like this."

"I can't see with my left eye."

"Yeah, but that adds to it, doesn't it?" She straightens the bandanna, which is tied quite tightly around his head, covering his left eye and squishing down his right eyebrow. "Say 'arr!'."

"No."

"Oh go on. Just one word. Come on." She pokes him in the belly, and pokes him again. "I know you're ticklish there, so I'll tickle you and take a video on my camera if you don't say it. And then I'll show it to my mum, and Mickey, and you know what, you'll never ever _ever_ hear the end of it because you have a more girly laugh than Mickey, despite your meanness when he found those rats."

"I don't have a girly laugh!" He pouts. "And don't you tell me that I'm more girly than Mickey-"

She sighs loudly, interrupting him. "All right, you asked for it." And takes a step forward.

"No! Wait! Stop!" he squeaks. "Arr! There, I said it. Arr!"

"That was not _nearly_ piratey enough. Now say it like you mean it."

He tries to run a hand through his hair before he remembers the bandanna. He nearly knocks it off, and Rose readjusts it. He takes this precise moment to yell, "Arr!" in her ear, in the most piratey voice he can muster.

She jumps back, startled, and then giggles. "Oh, that was amazing! You were like a real pirate, snuffles! Do it again!"

"No."

Pause.

"Snuffles?!"


	17. Rule 16

**Rule #16: Force-feeding the Doctor jelly babies will only end badly.**

"No _more_, Rose!"

"Just a few? I really don't like the green ones."

"Well I don't like the green ones any more, either. If you feed me any more of those things, I'm going to turn into a green jelly baby myself. Why don't you just buy packets which don't contain the green ones?"

"Because," Rose says, rolling her eyes, "you can't get them. I mean, how stupid would that be? 'All Jelly Babies Minus The Green Ones', only one quid!"

"One quid? That's extortionate!" He gapes, and Rose throws a green jelly baby at his mouth. It bounces off his nose, so she grabs it and quickly pops it onto his exposed tongue. He bites down on her fingers.

"Ow! Get off." She tries to pull them away but he holds on with his teeth. "This isn't fair," she whines, climbing on top of him and putting her foot against his chest, using the leverage to try and push herself away from him.

He opens his mouth and she flies backwards, landing on her bum on the floor. She looks up at him as he chews and swallows. Smugly.

Then his face pales and he jumps to his feet, dashing to the bathroom. Rose leaps up and follows, giggling, as he locks himself inside the room which has moved, rather conveniently, to just across the hall. She hears retching from behind the door.

She leans against it, her arms folded. Her voice sounding just a little bit smug, she says, "So not a green jelly baby, then? Just green."


	18. Rule 17

**Rule #17: So will getting him drunk.**

"Hit me baby one more tiii-ime!"

"With pleasure," Rose mutters, resting her chin in her hand and watching the Doctor dance on the table. And it isn't really clean dancing, either; it's like pole dancing but without the pole. Personally, she has no clue how he's managing to do it, but he is.

"Doctor," she says contemplatively, and he collapses, crossing his legs and fixing her with an innocent smile.

"Yes, Rose?" he simpers.

"I mean, I'm not insulting you or anything. Credit to you, you actually took quite a while to get drunk. I had a friend who once drank one beer and got absolutely smashed. I mean, even I'm not that much of a lightweight- I'm quite good. And you are quite, quite brilliant."

The Doctor giggles in a strangely high-pitched manner.

"And I don't mind you being drunk. I really don't. But if you have to be drunk- because I have to say it's quite amusing and I actually made you drunk in the first place by pretty much drowning you in whiskey- if you _have_ to be drunk, do you have to sing Britney Spears too?"

There is a pause as the Doctor rocks backwards and forwards, tugging at his ear contemplatively. "Yes," he replies.

"Oh." She wraps her hair around her finger and twirls. "Okay then, carry on."

The Doctor throws himself backwards until he's lying, flat out, on the table. "My loneliness, is killing me aaaa-aand I, I must confess, I still believeee…"

Rose can't quite help herself. "Still believe!"


	19. Rule 18

**Rule #18: Don't buy a pet hamster, bring him on board and shout, "Surprise! His name is Gallifrey!"**

"The hamster, I can understand. You think me lonely, Rose. That's fine. I'm not going to argue that yes, sometimes I am lonely. Less lonely since I've been with you, but still lonely. But why- why oh _why_- did you call him Gallifrey?!"

Rose grins, tickling Gallifrey's stomach. The little creature wriggles in appreciation, and then tries to climb up to her shoulder again, his claws digging into her top. "I thought it would make you happy. To remind you of the real Gallifrey, and all of that. That you're not alone, no matter how alone you feel." She smiles and picks the hamster up around the middle, setting him on her palm and showing him to the Doctor. "Go on, Doctor. Say hello. Say, 'Hiiii, Gallifrey!'"

The Doctor sighs. Heavily. "Hiiii, Gallifrey," he says, defeated.

Rose squeals and sets Gallifrey back into his cage, before throwing her arms around the Doctor. "Aww, you're going to love him, Doctor!"

"You're cleaning him out," he grumbles into her ear.


	20. Rule 19

**Rule #19: When the Doctor becomes overly attached, don't tell him that you put Gallifrey in the ratatouille.**

"Here you go, Doctor," Rose announces, setting the meal down in front of him. "Eat up."

He eyes it warily. "No aspirin?"

"No aspirin," she confirms.

"Oh, good." He picks up his fork and digs in, saying, in between mouthfuls, "What is it?"

"Ratatouille."

"Ooh. Can hamsters have ratatouille? I think Gallifrey would love some. It tastes good!" Rose bites her lip, immediately making the Doctor wary. "Rose… what have you done to Gallifrey?"

"I put him in the ratatouille."

"WHAT?!" the Doctor bellows, leaping to his feet, dropping his fork and staring at the plate in horror. "YOU PUT GALLIFREY IN THE RATATOUILLE?"

"Yeah, pretty much."


	21. Rule 20

**Rule #20: Don't later complain that you've been washing the ratatouille out of your hair for the past month.**

"You're so annoying."

The Doctor cuddles Gallifrey to his chest, pausing in his crooning noises to look up and raise an eyebrow at his companion. "Oh? Why's that?"

"No matter what I do, I still smell of ratatouille."

The Doctor looks smug. "It serves you right, Rose. Imagine playing with my emotions like that! I thought I'd learnt my lesson from the last time you made me a meal… first aspirin in the salad, then pretending that you had made me eat my pet hamster-"

"Actually, I think you'll find that he's _my_ pet hamster," Rose says defensively. The Doctor's response is to plant a kiss on Gallifrey's stark black, fur covered back. "And I didn't even make you eat him. I don't know why you're complaining."

"Because you pretended that-"

"Yeah, but why is it one rule for Gallifrey and another for a poor, innocent chicken? Hmm? They're all animals. Why does it horrify you to eat Gallifrey, but it's fine to eat a cow?"

The Doctor lifts Gallifrey up so that his beady black eyes are staring into her face. "Why do you think? Look at him, Rose. Isn't he so_ adorable?_"

"Yes, he is." But Rose isn't looking at the hamster.


	22. Rule 21

**Rule #21: The Doctor was a lonely little boy. He was not a loner.**

"Oh go on, Doctor. Mickey heard Madame de Pompadomp saying it."

The way she mangles the word 'Pompadour' really irks him, but it's Rose so he lets it slide. He can't let the other misconception slide, though, the one she's suddenly got into her head, for one reason or another.

"I wasn't a loner, Rose."

"You so were. I know she said 'lonely little boy', yeah, but I know the truth. You were a loner. Did you have friends?"

"I had friends."

She pats him sympathetically on the shoulder. "Were they _imaginary_ friends, Doctor?"

"They weren't imaginary friends!" he protests.

"Did you have your first kiss at university? Do Time Lords even go to university?"

"We have-"

"Come to think of it, do they even go to school?"

"Yes, but we-"

"Did you enjoy your first kiss? Did you slobber all over the poor whoever-it-was who had to kiss you?"

"Actually, she did it out of choice-"

"No wait, I bet you had your first kiss at like, one hundred and fifty-four. Am I right? Vaguely close? Am I? Am I, am I, am I, am-"

"Rose!" he shouts, gripping her shoulders. "No, we don't go to university, yes, we go to school, yes, my first kiss was lovely, no, I didn't slobber over the poor whoever-it-was who had to kiss me and no, you're not even vaguely close. Okay?"

"Okay." She shrugs him off and goes back to filing her nails.

"Are you annoyed with me?" he asks worriedly, scared that he had been too rough with her in his annoyance.

"No."

"Are you?"

"No, I'm fine."

"Seriously, Rose. If you're not, say so."

"I'm perfectly fine, Doctor."

Silence stretches between them, and suddenly she throws her nail file away, leaps to her feet and grabs the end of his tie, yanking him towards her. He yelps as she kisses him passionately, full on the lips. She stops after a few seconds, pulling away but still gripping his tie. He blinks.

She clears her throat, releasing his tie, sitting back down, retrieving her nail file, and carrying on as if nothing had happened. "Yeah. I'm fine."

"Good," comes the high-pitched response.


End file.
